Tars Who?
The reason why I don't blog is because I never have any time. I'm a busy girl you know and you all know how crazy camp life can be. It's 12:33 am and my body is telling me to get to bed. If I don't get to bed at a decent time then I feel like puking, either at the time or in the morning. But since Sarah isn't here (she's working) and I am at her house visiting, I thought I would take advantage of the time I have.
I miss you all. Very much. I am thankful for the ones that are close by though, and really miss the ones that are far away. Sporadic visits from ones that have been able to pop into camp have been amazing. I hope there's more in the near future!
Well just so you all know, it's been surreal witnessing Kaleo 2007 as they are in the midst of their best year of their lives. I've been watching them from the outside as much as I can and it's been really interesting. I am probably stating the obvious here, but the kids are all different (much different from our year) so the dynamics are different. And because of that they are their own unique little bunch. The one thing that I noticed since they've been here is that they have served as a big reminder about not to forget about what I learned during our year and made me realize how special our time really was. But I guess you've all come to this conclusion at some point since our time has been over. Forgive me if I am rehashing old news, but this is new for me because I haven't stopped since Sept. 2005.
When Qwanoes' summer intensity was finally over and actually had time to try and process the past year, I had a dream. I was in Pacific Woods Lodge and completely enraged. I was swearing at the top my lungs and wanting to hurt someone. Amanda Rubert heard everything that was going on and was infuriated. She came up from down stairs and took me by the arm and dragged me to our Prayer Room (or something like it). Guilt hit, I felt horrible for what I had just done and instantly I became stricken with grief. She was looking at me from the doorway as I was sobbing, but she didn't ask me what was going on and why I was so mad. Because of that, I lost it again. I screamed at her, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE THAT IT'S DEAD! NO ONE CARES! CAN'T ANYONE SEE THAT IT'S WRONG! IT'S DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK!" I was so confused and so uncontrollably angry that nobody cared that it died. She didn't say a word and shut the door. I was left there alone. In the dark, I tried to understand why no one cared that it was dead. At this point in my dream, I became aware about what "it" was. It was Kaleo. But it wasn't Kaleo the program itself, it was a person that died, that I loved so much and they were never coming back.
Now I don't know why Amanda was in that dream, I have absolutely nothing against her (hi roomie!), but what that dream told me was that I missed Kaleo. So much to the point that it almost felt like there had been a death. When you think about it, it is almost like there has been a death. Everything that we've experience together, in one place at one time for an unprecedented period of time in our lives...it's never coming back. Ever. Nothing will ever be the same as it was when we were all together. Now of course, I'm not saying that nothing will ever mean as much or that there won't be other experiences in our lives that will top this(besides Heaven of course), but what I'm saying is that the uniqueness of Kaleo and everything that is wrapped up with that, during that time, with those specific people, is gone. And I realized that and grieved inside as if it was just the equivalent to a death.
I know that I probably sound like some depressed emo with black tears running down my face (Ally lol) that just can't move on. Don't worry everyone; this is not a state that I am wallowing in. I have moved on, but I haven't moved on to the point where there isn't a twinge of pain that isn't attached to the memories. You know the pain I'm talking about--the bitter-sweet kind. I think we've all experienced that kind of pain since it's been over at different times. Most of you have already expressed it. Maybe I'm the last one to realize all of this. I am usually the slow one!
Life right after Kaleo was a tough road. The summer was absolute hell. And to say that, in that manner shows how bad it really was. It was the most stress my body has ever undergone since living in Winnipeg with my Dad. Most of you know that I took on the role of Registrar. It's a huge job, that's all I'll say about that. The stress was caused from a combination of emotional and physical exhaustion, a deep anxiety to do my job well and going through a barren wasteland with God that I've never experienced before since I've become a Christian. God measured out an extra amount of grace to me this summer and still used me. I had confirmation of that fact through testimonies of counselors in the middle of the weeks about how perfect their cabins were. That can only be explained that God was there and working through that, even though I completely didn't believe that He was or that He was working through me. Just one more thing that I learned about my God and actually experiencing it. The verse where it says and I'm just paraphrasing here..."The Lord will never leave nor forsake you." He didn't. That verse came alive.
I’ve been out of that horrible desert for some time now and not sorry for going through it. I learned a lot painfully, but it was worth it. To let you know what I am doing now…I am now officially apart of Warmland Community Church and so excited to what God has in store for the community of Crofton. Please keep this town that was once your home for a time in your prayers. I have already spoken to a few of the kids around the community and they are pretty pumped for the church to get going! So exciting!
I am looking forward to the summer as Registrar. With a summer already under my belt, the hope of a more organized, less stressful summer is awaiting and I can hardly wait for it! I love my job and thankful that the Lord has me in it. Truly, I never appreciated camp as much as I do now. Some joke and say I’m a lifer…maybe, but there’s nothing wrong with that. If this is what God has designed me specifically for, I can only be overjoyed that He’s brought me here. Who knows though, God may have other things in store as well!
I don’t know if I've written this for a simple “Tara Update” on how I’m doing, or if I’ve written it for the purpose of a reminder. Yah "it’s" over; it’s almost been a year that it ended, but in the words of I don’t even remember (what’s their faces)…it’s just the beginning. It’s been amazing to hear some of the stories and updates from all of you, and even past Kaleo’s about what you’re all doing out there for our God. I just want to remind everyone to remember our crazy fun times, remember what we learned, and remember what we’ve been through together. And with that being said, take everything that we’ve gained and continue to give back. Continue to be those already water-filled, water-soaked sponges and pour out love to those around us!
That's all I gots to say! I heart you all!
Love, Tars
P.S. It's 4:10 am, Sarah's still not home, and I feel like puking! Bahahaha!
I miss you all. Very much. I am thankful for the ones that are close by though, and really miss the ones that are far away. Sporadic visits from ones that have been able to pop into camp have been amazing. I hope there's more in the near future!
Well just so you all know, it's been surreal witnessing Kaleo 2007 as they are in the midst of their best year of their lives. I've been watching them from the outside as much as I can and it's been really interesting. I am probably stating the obvious here, but the kids are all different (much different from our year) so the dynamics are different. And because of that they are their own unique little bunch. The one thing that I noticed since they've been here is that they have served as a big reminder about not to forget about what I learned during our year and made me realize how special our time really was. But I guess you've all come to this conclusion at some point since our time has been over. Forgive me if I am rehashing old news, but this is new for me because I haven't stopped since Sept. 2005.
When Qwanoes' summer intensity was finally over and actually had time to try and process the past year, I had a dream. I was in Pacific Woods Lodge and completely enraged. I was swearing at the top my lungs and wanting to hurt someone. Amanda Rubert heard everything that was going on and was infuriated. She came up from down stairs and took me by the arm and dragged me to our Prayer Room (or something like it). Guilt hit, I felt horrible for what I had just done and instantly I became stricken with grief. She was looking at me from the doorway as I was sobbing, but she didn't ask me what was going on and why I was so mad. Because of that, I lost it again. I screamed at her, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE THAT IT'S DEAD! NO ONE CARES! CAN'T ANYONE SEE THAT IT'S WRONG! IT'S DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK!" I was so confused and so uncontrollably angry that nobody cared that it died. She didn't say a word and shut the door. I was left there alone. In the dark, I tried to understand why no one cared that it was dead. At this point in my dream, I became aware about what "it" was. It was Kaleo. But it wasn't Kaleo the program itself, it was a person that died, that I loved so much and they were never coming back.
Now I don't know why Amanda was in that dream, I have absolutely nothing against her (hi roomie!), but what that dream told me was that I missed Kaleo. So much to the point that it almost felt like there had been a death. When you think about it, it is almost like there has been a death. Everything that we've experience together, in one place at one time for an unprecedented period of time in our lives...it's never coming back. Ever. Nothing will ever be the same as it was when we were all together. Now of course, I'm not saying that nothing will ever mean as much or that there won't be other experiences in our lives that will top this(besides Heaven of course), but what I'm saying is that the uniqueness of Kaleo and everything that is wrapped up with that, during that time, with those specific people, is gone. And I realized that and grieved inside as if it was just the equivalent to a death.
I know that I probably sound like some depressed emo with black tears running down my face (Ally lol) that just can't move on. Don't worry everyone; this is not a state that I am wallowing in. I have moved on, but I haven't moved on to the point where there isn't a twinge of pain that isn't attached to the memories. You know the pain I'm talking about--the bitter-sweet kind. I think we've all experienced that kind of pain since it's been over at different times. Most of you have already expressed it. Maybe I'm the last one to realize all of this. I am usually the slow one!
Life right after Kaleo was a tough road. The summer was absolute hell. And to say that, in that manner shows how bad it really was. It was the most stress my body has ever undergone since living in Winnipeg with my Dad. Most of you know that I took on the role of Registrar. It's a huge job, that's all I'll say about that. The stress was caused from a combination of emotional and physical exhaustion, a deep anxiety to do my job well and going through a barren wasteland with God that I've never experienced before since I've become a Christian. God measured out an extra amount of grace to me this summer and still used me. I had confirmation of that fact through testimonies of counselors in the middle of the weeks about how perfect their cabins were. That can only be explained that God was there and working through that, even though I completely didn't believe that He was or that He was working through me. Just one more thing that I learned about my God and actually experiencing it. The verse where it says and I'm just paraphrasing here..."The Lord will never leave nor forsake you." He didn't. That verse came alive.
I’ve been out of that horrible desert for some time now and not sorry for going through it. I learned a lot painfully, but it was worth it. To let you know what I am doing now…I am now officially apart of Warmland Community Church and so excited to what God has in store for the community of Crofton. Please keep this town that was once your home for a time in your prayers. I have already spoken to a few of the kids around the community and they are pretty pumped for the church to get going! So exciting!
I am looking forward to the summer as Registrar. With a summer already under my belt, the hope of a more organized, less stressful summer is awaiting and I can hardly wait for it! I love my job and thankful that the Lord has me in it. Truly, I never appreciated camp as much as I do now. Some joke and say I’m a lifer…maybe, but there’s nothing wrong with that. If this is what God has designed me specifically for, I can only be overjoyed that He’s brought me here. Who knows though, God may have other things in store as well!
I don’t know if I've written this for a simple “Tara Update” on how I’m doing, or if I’ve written it for the purpose of a reminder. Yah "it’s" over; it’s almost been a year that it ended, but in the words of I don’t even remember (what’s their faces)…it’s just the beginning. It’s been amazing to hear some of the stories and updates from all of you, and even past Kaleo’s about what you’re all doing out there for our God. I just want to remind everyone to remember our crazy fun times, remember what we learned, and remember what we’ve been through together. And with that being said, take everything that we’ve gained and continue to give back. Continue to be those already water-filled, water-soaked sponges and pour out love to those around us!
That's all I gots to say! I heart you all!
Love, Tars
P.S. It's 4:10 am, Sarah's still not home, and I feel like puking! Bahahaha!
posted by Anonymous at 12/13/2006 04:08:00 a.m.
4 Comments:
thnak you for the... update on how god is using your life! I encourgae others who haven't posted anything in a while... *cough cough* you know who you are. Post up! lets us know.
If I knew she was gonna write such a massive blog , I wouldnt have left her alone with my computer.
haha Just kidding Tars butt.
HAHA..but seriously, thanks Tara and never forget who formed Kaleo (Jim Badke..Muhahaha...jk) GOD!!! And always remeber (all of use reedin dis blizz-og...lol) why Kaleo had to end!!!! God is doing so much in and through Kaleo, I cant wait to get out of B-crest and do the same. Love you all
*even the emo with black tears running down his face
Buh byes!!!
Tars that was such a beautiful way of putting the ending of Kaleo. I haven't felt that bitter-sweet"ness-age" for a while. It was a good reminder. I miss you Tars and I love you so much! I need to call you sometime :)
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