I can't believe I am actually going to go off on this....
So basically, this is my rant.... I really don't want to hurt anyone or anything, I really want to express to you all how I am feeling right now, if any should care. I feel invisible as I have for most of my life. and I used to think that I could really find encouragement in blogging on here, or something like that.... So basically, I feel like a massive hurricane is going through my soul and I have no idea where I am or where I should go... I'm lost. I used to be able to post on here and get some encouragement or something.... but I am finding myself writing blogs and them deleting them instead of posting them because who knows what anyone will comment .... if they do at all. I know this sounds so obsurd.... but please hear me out on how I feel. I find it so amazing that someone can post something silly, like spanky being kidnapped, which I admit is funny and what not... and it gets like 22 comments. I post about my life and how like crap I feel I get like 3 comments and the first few are to tell me that I am wrong about something or to 'deal with it' and the other one is to comment on the first comment. I know this sounds so stupid and those of you who don't know me very well or who don't care at all are thinking oh my goodness Charissa ..... and I know who you are..... but for those of you who do care. I have no friends. I'm sick of being afraid to post on here because no one is going to take notice of it anyways.... or I'll get some negative comment back. I'm sick of feeling like I always need to the one to get some people together that I like to hang out. I hate that I feel that the only time people want to see me is when they need me. I hate that I am scared to tell others how I am feeling. I can't talk about myself. I can't do this alone anymore. I hate that I feel like I am so unimportant to everyone. I hate the most that all of you are so special to me in your own way, and that you probably don't even miss me or even remember that I was at school. Why do I feel like this? I have no idea, but it hasn't gone away. People always tell me that my life can't suck because I am getting married and have so much to look forward to and such... I am so excited to get married.... but truthfully.... I feel so guilty that I am overly excited for my wedding.... because the day is all about me... and that people might, just might notice that I am alive or even better that I am there. I feel like I am being really selfish.... expecting all this from everyone. But part of me that tells me that I shouldn't feel this way is saying that this isn't selfish. I just don't want to be invisible anymore. I felt so overly invisible for the first few months if not the whole first semester at school..... and I basically feel like that now, only I don't have Charis to listen to me rant all the time. Where is God? Why does he not answer when I call. For once everything is going good in my life, between me and Justin, job wise..... and I don't feel that he is anywhere to be found. I feel so alone emotionally. Yes I have Justin and he is so important to me..... I want someone besides my future husband to have an idea who I am. Have any of you seen the friends where Jason Alexander guest stars playing a man that wants to kill himself because he works at an office where he would stand up and yell... and no one even notices. When Phoebe talks to the people about him, they say that they have never even heard of him.....and they don't even care. That's how I feel.... only I don't want to kill myself. I don't even know half of what I have said here, or if any of you are even going to notice that I took up part of the blog space..... I just have one request..... for those of you who I don't exactly get along with.... please don't judge me..... I feel people's judgements weighing down on my shoulders so much.... I really don't care what people think.... but I can't stand the anonymous comments that have no backbone.... that show that you are trying to hurt me.... please claim your words.... and if you have nothing nice to say.... don't say anything at all..... sorry if this doesn't make sense, and that it is so long.... and I don't want to attack anyone.... but I really think that before I start screaming at people I would let you all know how I am feeling.... and that if I do blow up on you or someone.... that it is not because of certain things.... it's because of all the things I am feeling right now. Anyways I need to go and workout with my sister so that I may be able to fit into my wedding dress someday. I love you guys and I am sorry again if I offended any of you, I just really needed to release some of how I am feeling.... and for once I am not going to delete this blog.....
posted by Charissa at 11/09/2006 01:35:00 p.m.
9 Comments:
Hi Charissa! I miss you!
i'm sorry if i make you feel like this Charissa, i guess i don't make as much of an effort as i could. but please know that i don't do it on purpose, and that its not because i have anything against you or anything, i love you dearly and i think you are an absolutely fantastic girl. you're great and i love you, if i can help at all tell me how.
People regargless of if they post a comment or not still love you and will pray and care about you. the comments total does not at all reflect love. We all love you tons!
I am not sure if I am one of those people that you catergorized as "ones you don't get along with" but I also know that we are not best friends. I am just really confused as to what you want.
I do pray for you, although you may not know it. I do think about you and wonder what I can do to help. I, like you, felt terribly uncomfortable at the beginning of Kaleo and even talked to Jim about not coming back for second semester because I felt so out of place. I, like you, was engaged and understand that life doesn't change-miraculously become like sunshine and roses everyday- you still have the ups and downs, the usual life stuff. I, like you have no friends. I live in edmonton...a place where I have only lived for 6 months and not really gotten to know anyone. My only friends are artificial ones who I work with and I am not sure if half of them know that I am a christian, the biggest part of my life. I feel alone a lot and that God is not here....also, I have Nick, but still feel lonely at times. I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand what you are going through. I understand your struggles.
I am trying to tell you through the nicest way possible on a blog...but now reading it seems kinda harsh, so if you want to call me, you are welcome to....anytime. And I will listen, not judge you or question you. I will try to encourage you in the ways I know how.
I am just not sure if you want people to comment more on what you post, or if you want us to tell you that you are loved. Well, I am here to tell you that you are loved. Even if at times you feel unloveable-I can also understand that. You, Charissa are loved and God planned you to be just who you are, in every way you are. He knows your innermost being and your deepest thoughts and feelings. He still created you wonderfully....the way you are is the way he planned you to be. Take hold of the truth and know it. Love God and love yourself for who you are at this very moment. He is carrying you...He will NEVER leave you, He will NEVER forsake you. I hope if what you read seemed a little tought to take, please take it with a grain of salt, I just want you to know that I understand your struggles.
Amanda
Thank you, Charissa! I'm so glad that you didn't delete this post. I can imagine you saying this as if you were here in my kitchen, and I think God must have helped you write this because the written word does not easily communicate how a person feels. Please take Amanda's words (just above) to heart, as they are so well and so lovingly said. And my guess is that she well-represents the rest of Kaleo, whether they post or not.
I realized a long time ago that people are usually not thinking about me, just like I am usually not thinking about them. Those moments when they do think of me are hints of the glory and grace of God, like the sun poking through the clouds. I treasure them, I enjoy them, but I have learned not to expect them. People are people.
I have also learned that when I take interest in someone and show it, they sometimes respond, and when they do I remember Jesus' words about it being more blessed to give than receive. But I don't expect them to respond - Jesus said I shouldn't. It is so easy to love the ones who love me; but Jesus calls us to something higher and more challenging - to love even those who hate and use us. And he calls that "more blessed." Crazy. I've tried it sometimes and it works. Sometimes.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Here's to you in the middle of the circle with all our hands on you. You are not forgotten.
Thanks very much guys... truthfully, I don't really know what I want, or expect people to comment about, and I know that I shouldn't expect it at all. I really feel like I am going crazy, because I know what sounds crazy and selfish and that it is, but I feel so.... I don't even know. Charis called me last night which was awesome. I think my biggest problem is that I hate talking to people about how I am feeling. I feel like I burden them. I love you guys so much and thank you for all your comments and your prayers I really do appreciate them. They have encouraged me, and I just wanted to say thank you. Once again if I had offended anyone... made you feel guilty in some way... Kailey, I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen. Life happens and it just seems that I am in the middle of figuring out what mine is doing right now. I just really don't know what I want anymore, or what I expect from people... or why I expect things. I think the biggest thing is that I just want to know what and why I am feeling this way. I love you guys all so much.
Chrarissa ..just know that i pray for you and love you soooooo much....and just cause we don't always get to hang out all the time . it deffently does not mean that i don't care about you...sometimes it's hard because school tends to consume me.... i am sorry that this has happened... but i love you tons and will continue to pray for you..
Hey Charissa. So like all of us, i dont really know what to say, but hey, we've all had poopy times and/or situations. I just pray that God would continue to show you that you really only need Him. I know how hard it can be, I know EXACTLY how it feels to seem like your alone, like where you begin to Question if God is like testing your faith or something. I know. I've been lotz since Kaleo ended. But look @ the bright side Charissa, where would you be if you never had God in the first place? And I mean REALLY think about it. REALLY!!!
Love you girl and cant wait to go to your wedding* I have somehow now fallen in love with weddings and i cant even explain!
prayin for ya sister*
Take it to HEART!!!
Charissa, remember that God will not forsake you. He is holding on to you and those times when He feels distant..he is there. Draw closer to him. I have no doubt that if you draw closer to God by studying His word and by talking to Him when you feel alone, that lonliness will go away.
The other day I went to this information session for the RCMP. I was extremely nervous to go because I was going alone. Jen couldn't come with me. As I approached the building to go to this info session, I was terrified because I was alone, but then I realized that no I am not alone. God is here with me and he will always be with me. Even if I am on a high speed chase! God is there with me. What a relief! If I was alone, I would be pretty lost and I wouldn't be able to accomplish much by myself.
Charissa, you are loved by God and by us and you are not alone.
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