Doubt...

So would I be considered a horrible christian because I doubt God? This past week I have realized how lately I am so blah about my faith. I believe in God and all that and I know that he has the power to do all things... but sometimes I really wonder if I actually believe it in my heart rather than just in my head. I know there are like spiritual highs and lows and it drives me nuts that there are such things. I don't know. I don't think I have ever felt so crappy, and meaningless. I think it is all just spiritual attack or what not but I don't even know. Motivating myself to talk to God is sometimes really tough for me. I am so sinful and sometimes I really just don't want to ask for forgiveness knowing that God is up there shaking his head at me because I do the same stupid things everyday. I disappoint God so much and I know that he is all forgiving and stuff... but why am I so screwed up... I don't know... My life really feels so meaningless and I have no idea why, I know God has a purpose for me... and I just wish he would some time in my life tell me what that was. God frustrates me. I hate that I have to learn to trust him. I don't even trust myself, or other people that are visible to me. Why should I trust him? I know I should but why do I feel so insecure about it. I hate being vulnerable. I hate that I am on such a spiritual low. I hate that sometimes I just feel like I am talking to the wall when I pray every night, like he's not listening. I hate that I never improve in the areas that I know I need improvement. I hate that almost everyday I just want to cry just because.... my life is stupid without my spiritual life... and it just feels like I took a leap of faith and now I am drowning in the river.... God feels so distant.... and I hate that. Why has he all of a sudden stopped holding me so near? I don't expect anyone to respond or what not.... I just feel like crap... and I am not going to speak out about it... so I figure... I'll let you know on here... Please be praying for me. Thanks.